Pain, painfulness...Ever lived your life a certain way and when circumstances changed abruptly you find yourself being a little lost?
Sometime a year ago, a flame in me died. It might sound harsh to word it so, but indeed a light which I built my life around and which kept me warm and guided me through almost 5 years of my life dimmed and doused itself out.
I felt excruciating pain, pain beyond words, pain which only time would heal and after that an emptiness, a void in my heart.
As daft as it sound, it was as if the sky just crashed down on me.
It was not that I did not see it coming. I read the signs well, I even tried my best to change the outcome, but I was in no power nor position to change it. I had to keep my word, and by doing so, let her go.
But once the reality sunk in, about a week or so after the last kiss at the terminal, a hug and best wishes, 'Bye' was the word last spoken, not 'See you', the love of my life is no longer mine, and I had to accept it, be it I like it or not.
Love = pain. Correct?
Excruciating, emptiness, void, very negative words, for what to many was certainly an event to forget. Most would expect words like hate, never again, distrust and cheat to litter the rest of this article, but you shall not see these words :)
Feeling pain on separation is proof that I did love. Not only I loved, I was loved. Let me explain. I see love as something like a poker game, when you do not risk everything, it just doesn't feel right, but when you do, it has the tendency to hurt you.
And I indeed gave and risked everything for our relationship and thus the pain I felt, pain as described above.
Forget how much I committed to the relationship, and forget the pain, more important is what happened next? Read on.
Looking back with a smile :)
Before I go any further, I am an optimist. Even in the worse of situation I will look for the positives and always draw strength from them to carry me forward. I believe that if you look hard enough, you could find some good in everything and everyone. Also, life is too short to be negative, bitter or hate.
For the reasons above, I could now still look back at our relationship and smile :) Yes, not a conventional reaction, but one that I chose. Why look for the negatives in a past relationship? A relationship is between two human, two incomplete and imperfect human, where one or the other or even both would make mistakes. Forgive, forget and move on. Which I did.
However, I held on to the sweet memories, memories which even now, a year on, when I look back at I could afford to smile. I am grateful and thankful that we met, that we spent some wonderful time together, stuck through thick and thin and in the end when things did not work out, we did not end it in an ugly manner, we met, we talked, promises were kept and we said goodbye. It was a beautiful relationship, one which left a mark on me, pretty much like a tattoo, there was a period of pain, but thereafter, sweet memories which would stay forever.
Thanks for the sweet memories :)
Regards,
Ben Lai
