When the inevitable finally came true, how shall I respond?

***This post shall be read with my previous post as when read as a standalone, it might project a different meaning than it was intended to. For the aforementioned post, please click here***

















The bitter-sweet pill

A change in 'Relationship Status' on facebook was how the devine power above sunk my heart. From "Being in a relationship with" it now states "Engaged to". I made a promise to myself, and I shall keep it, just as I had kept my previous promise of not objecting the split. The promise was, I shall move on as and when she is engaged.

I made 2 promises on Sept 16, 2008, the day she left, the first was as above, and the second, that from that day on, I shall look back to the days we spent as an item with a smile, with no regret, no pain, just a sense of greatfullness that at least we did spend those precious time together, I shall not again shed a sorrow tear for the relationship.

I must admit, being with her is still the happiest days of my life, period. I know, I used IS in the previous sentence. Yes it was intended and no I am not a stalker nor am I in denial.

Just the 2 of us

Now for the mushy part - days spent just with her and when nothing else mattered. Missing flights, driving around KL and Putrajaya, taking in the KL skyline at Luna Bar and the 2 week road trip from Malacca all the way to Langkawi, memories which until today still lingers on fresh, just like it was yesterday.

Those around me knew that whenever she was in town, not even an earthquake could separate us. She being quite possesive made sure of this, and on my part, knowing that these few days she is in town would mean that when she departs, it would be another 6 months or so before seeing each other and this made me cheerish every second with her.

At times we would just sit in front of the idiot-box and just watch chick-flicks together, catch a standup comedy or two and just order room service so we could have time to ourselves, just the 2 of us and no one else.

At other times, when I was at work, she would keep calling once it is 5.30, pestering me to leave work and be with her, once, she even showed up at my office door!

A scar worth the pain

Infatuation, lust, like two rabbits, call it what you may, I still call it love.

A tough guy I might be, but when it comes to love, I am hopeless, not in the sense that I get all weak-knees or sweaty-palmed, but rather, I do tend to throw caution at the wind and go with my heart instead.

I do believe that the mind could do wonderful things, but it is the heart which is true.

To say that I am not feeling the pain all again would be a lie, an insult to the relationship.

However, I know the pain is just temporary, the wound would heal, time will one day patch it up, the scar would remain, a reminder that cupid indeed strucked me and I was indeed in love.

Another chapter begins, on what might be another beautiful, bitter-sweet relationship ;)

Again, thanks for the sweet memories Lin :)

Regards,
Ben Lai

A broken heart, a broad smile ;)

Pain, painfulness...

Ever lived your life a certain way and when circumstances changed abruptly you find yourself being a little lost?

Sometime a year ago, a flame in me died. It might sound harsh to word it so, but indeed a light which I built my life around and which kept me warm and guided me through almost 5 years of my life dimmed and doused itself out.

I felt excruciating pain, pain beyond words, pain which only time would heal and after that an emptiness, a void in my heart.

As daft as it sound, it was as if the sky just crashed down on me.

It was not that I did not see it coming. I read the signs well, I even tried my best to change the outcome, but I was in no power nor position to change it. I had to keep my word, and by doing so, let her go.

But once the reality sunk in, about a week or so after the last kiss at the terminal, a hug and best wishes, 'Bye' was the word last spoken, not 'See you', the love of my life is no longer mine, and I had to accept it, be it I like it or not.

Love = pain. Correct?

Excruciating, emptiness, void, very negative words, for what to many was certainly an event to forget. Most would expect words like hate, never again, distrust and cheat to litter the rest of this article, but you shall not see these words :)

Feeling pain on separation is proof that I did love. Not only I loved, I was loved. Let me explain. I see love as something like a poker game, when you do not risk everything, it just doesn't feel right, but when you do, it has the tendency to hurt you.

And I indeed gave and risked everything for our relationship and thus the pain I felt, pain as described above.

Forget how much I committed to the relationship, and forget the pain, more important is what happened next? Read on.

Looking back with a smile :)

Before I go any further, I am an optimist. Even in the worse of situation I will look for the positives and always draw strength from them to carry me forward. I believe that if you look hard enough, you could find some good in everything and everyone. Also, life is too short to be negative, bitter or hate.

For the reasons above, I could now still look back at our relationship and smile :) Yes, not a conventional reaction, but one that I chose. Why look for the negatives in a past relationship? A relationship is between two human, two incomplete and imperfect human, where one or the other or even both would make mistakes. Forgive, forget and move on. Which I did.

However, I held on to the sweet memories, memories which even now, a year on, when I look back at I could afford to smile. I am grateful and thankful that we met, that we spent some wonderful time together, stuck through thick and thin and in the end when things did not work out, we did not end it in an ugly manner, we met, we talked, promises were kept and we said goodbye. It was a beautiful relationship, one which left a mark on me, pretty much like a tattoo, there was a period of pain, but thereafter, sweet memories which would stay forever.

Thanks for the sweet memories :)

Regards,

Ben Lai